I had no clue. No idea that in my heart, in the deepest recesses of my soul, there existed a formidable wall of fear and shame.
A wall that whispered, “You’re not worthy.”
You’re not worthy; a lie so convincing it became a part of the foundation of my being; a “wall of unworthiness.”
This blog post is the first in a series I like to call: The Heart Renovation Series. Because as I look back over the last years of my life, I can see the major renovation work God has done on my soul, and I want to share that with you.
As I sit here in the coffee shop, I picture myself at my desk in sixth grade on Valentine’s Day, silently watching each kid receive a Valentine’s Day Card from their friends. I watch as our teacher calls out their names one by one. And as she reaches into the bottom of the bag to pull out the last one, someone else’s name gets called.
I didn’t get one.
“Oh well,” my twelve-year-old heart says, “I didn’t get one last year too, so no biggie.”
I also picture the time I got left at the mall during a high school UIL band trip. As I ran outside to our designated meeting location, just half a minute late, I watched as the bus full of band kids, parents, and band directors drove off without me. I had walked the mall alone, “unworthy” of friends to shop with.
And then there was every single WT Showcase Performance. We would get to the Globe-News Center, do a run-through performance, eat, get dressed, and then the show would begin. I was always so excited to perform, but I absolutely dreaded the “free time” in between rehearsal and performance.
Because as everyone ate and hung out, I silently wandered the halls, avoiding the shame of eating alone while silently praying time for the show to quickly begin.
This wall of unworthiness spilled into my adult life.
I think about the past few years, as I labored over creating content, year after year, praying my story would encourage someone, somewhere.
But the guides remained un-downloaded and the blogs largely unread.
“You’re not worthy,” the wall confirmed.
Brick by brick, memory upon memory, the wall of unworthiness was constructed and reinforced.
Even after walking with the Father, discovering the delights of His presence and unconditional love…the wall remained.
It remained and established itself into the very foundation of my being, stopping me dead in my tracks and keeping me from going forward in what God has called me to do.
“You’re not worthy!” it screams, as I tentatively take a few steps forward.
“You’re so not worthy, you can’t even pray for that better life God has shown you. Because every time you pray…you hit the wall. Every time you take a step forward: you stop, unsure and unsteady with no internal permission to keep going.
But I see the Lord, ready with His “sledgehammer of love.”
Over time, God has graciously revealed this hidden wall of unworthiness during time spent in His presence.
And I’ve constructed it using undealt with pain, which has developed into a belief system that’s exalted itself against the knowledge of God.
The wall was so well constructed that I would go through my day with a low-lying feeling that I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t someone worthy enough for others to get to know.
As if I belonged to a different species. There was the human race…and then there was me.
It can be terrifying, uncovering and confronting the walls, strongholds, and snares that the undealt with hurt and pain may have created in our souls. These walls stop us in our tracks, the very reasons we can’t seem to get ahead.
But there’s hope:
Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler And from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. -Psalm 91
The wall of unworthiness is no match for God’s eternal truth about who He created you to be. A truth that will never fail, a truth that will remain even after heaven and earth pass away.
You are valuable and yes, you are worthy.
God CHOSE me and He chose you.
I remind myself that God went to the cross for ME. God SAW me afar off and said yes, she is worth it. She’s worth a trip to the cross; different species and all.
That means something. And it’s freeing.
It’s freeing to know that your Creator loves you so much that He went to the cross for you. Your past hurts may have suggested one thing about who you are, but God has proven another, when He sent His Son, who willingly went to the cross. Jesus entered the very world He created and chose to pay the price, taking on your sin and shame.
Jesus loves you.
And you were created with great purpose and intentionality. God has an incredible plan for your life and He sees you, knows you, loves you and He is cheering you on!
There’s only one you.
Your purpose and value are as unique as your fingerprint. I encourage you, if you haven’t already, to seek the One who created you and knows why you’re here. Seek the One who can pull out what He’s placed inside. Peace comes and healing begins when we shift our focus off of ourselves and onto Jesus. Look to the Lord and let Him do the renovation work in your soul, tearing down and rebuilding a new wall with His truth. Let Him demolish that wall of unworthiness in your heart.
Meditative scriptures for “The Unworthy”
These scriptures you can write out, read out, pray over, use as a journal prompt, or listen to. Meditate on them and declare these truths over your life, to demolish the wall and rebuild it with God’s truth. You be blessed and encouraged.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me. Isaiah 49:15-16
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” – Jeremiah 17:7
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10