Last year I found myself wrestling with God.
I had been praying and believing for things that were happening in my life. Anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, the salvation of my family, my friends and co-workers, my health and my finances.
I did all the positive things they say to do, hanging scriptures around my apartment, making prayer lists, journaling, fasting and praying.
Every chance I got, through prayer, I put those things in God’s hands. Sometimes I still worried about them. Though not always. Sometimes I went on with my day in faith. Working and doing the things I enjoy.
At times, prayer was difficult and I couldn’t get the words out. Other times, the prayers flowed, coming easily and often. All the while, I was living my life, looking ahead and doing what I thought was right and good in the sight of God.
Little did I know I had been wrestling with God the entire time.
Every day I lived in expectancy. Expecting God to bring the thing that answered those unanswered prayers. Expecting my daily efforts to lead to the dream He promised me. I must have skipped over the scripture in the Word that says:
Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:29 NLT
I didn’t know I that was creating turmoil within myself. Often times I couldn’t find rest. I would go from activity to activity, subconsciously afraid to stop and quiet my soul. Somehow I knew when I stopped, all I would see were the waves and the wind.
Because of this, I began to feel stuck. I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts for too long because they would remind me that I was still here. Still stuck. I thought I was waiting patiently for a breakthrough, but what I was really doing was tolerating things as they were. I wasn’t really at peace.
And I didn’t know that…until the night I surrendered.
I love how the Lord works. I love how he speaks to my heart.
That night, I got on my knees to pray. Coming to the Lord in total honesty, but ignorant, as I often am:
“Lord, I hate praying and praying for the same things over and over again. In your Word, you call it persistence, but I feel like it’s begging.”
But I prayed to the Lord anyway, for those things and others. And while I was praying, the Holy Spirit does this often, a song came to mind. “It is Well.”
“So let go my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.”
Singing that song, something broke inside me.
I gave up and put myself in a posture of surrender before the Lord. There had been a lot of turmoil in my life. However, God has used that turmoil to uproot things and get me positioned for the life He has for me. He has been steadily faithful, growing my faith like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
This is my decree for 2019:
Lord have your way. Your Will be done in my life. I will REST in it. It is well in my soul.
My situation hasn’t changed. My posture has. It’s no longer a posture of defense, but of surrender. Whatever obstacles may come, God has been and always will be: Faithful. My life is in His hands. And there’s no better hands to be in, because He is a good, good father. Through it all, it is well.
I think about that well known verse:
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ” Romans 8:28
Whether its a struggle or a blessing, it is in your life working for your good. Stop fighting it and surrender it to God. Walk in it. Be at rest during the storm.
